Before Canada, a little segue into food. It’s fair to say that sometimes we don’t so much sight-see when we travel as progress from restaurant to restaurant. This trip was no different. I’d always wanted to drive across America — and yes, I know that every generation likes to make its own mistakes — but listen or not, these were my food tips for an American road trip. ~ Ian
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You’re on the Interstate, hungry, and watching giant billboards for restaurants and motels loom up and flash past. A bit like those 99 channels we skip through on TV, but with less choice, and harder to go back.
What to eat? Our first stop on Day One as we headed up-state from LA was a Denny’s, and it wasn’t too bad. We scoured the menu for things that wouldn’t give us twice our daily allowance of everything on the planet, and both chose Mexican style “wraps”.
Notice that expression — not Denny’s but a Denny’s. Right there is the first thing you need to understand if you’re planning an American road trip:
Read up on chain restaurants ’cause that’s where you’re gonna be eatin’.
The second rule is this:
The US is a foreign country, and you’ve gotta do what the natives do.
If it’s Skinny Chicken Tikka in India, it’s Fat City USA.
Jeff and Terri had already introduced us to commuter mugs, designed so you can charge around the free-ways eating bagels and drinking hot coffee, but we’d picked up a few tips of our own by the time we got to San Francisco. So, in no particular order here they are:
— Don’t eat stuffed tortillas from El Pollo Loco on the way to a customer or you’ll end up wearing it.
— Don’t eat chilli burgers at all (difficult for me – I’m Pavlov’s dog over chilli, but I’ve had some counter-conditioning).
— MacDonalds sells well because it’s harder to slop down your shirt.
— By the way, if you’re on the Interstate and see a MacDonalds or a Subway, think hard before driving past — this may be the best you can expect.
— Practically the only things that don’t have cheese in them are things that have double cheese in them.
— Sandwiches are filled rolls, except when they’re burgers.
— Subs are sandwiches you have to park in a garage.
— Diners haven’t learnt anything from the success of Starbucks. You get Cona coffee and that’s it.
— Actually, we quite like the coffee in Diners. Sit down — ping! your mugs are full. And good luck if you try to empty them.
— Starbucks can be disappointing too. Good coffee but no bagels and cream cheese? Who do they think they are? To avoid embarrassment, memorise their names for small, medium and large.
— Diners are an institution. We stopped at an all-nighter in Lone Pine and had soup with saltine crackers crumbled in it as the trucks roared past. Ten four! And salad with jack cheese. And coffee.
— If you’re determined to find “good coffee” three or four times a day, or avoid chain restaurants, generally speaking it can be done — but there goes the sight-seeing, or the miles.
— Which reminds me, the Diners aren’t chains, which is refreshing.
— Finally, it’s true: You only need one American meal between two people, but what’s life without a challenge?
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Jeff and Terri had taken us out to eat in a few interesting places, and we came across a few ourselves. One was Eric Schats’s Bakkery (sic), an absolutely staggering bakery in Bishop with an awe-inspiring selection of designer sandwiches, all served by plump 40-year-old ladies in floral aprons, and the most wonderful array of every sweet and cake and tart and pie and fudge and Danish and — you name it — in America. Surely. It was a one-of-a-kind Mom’s mecca.
It’s also hard to forget the Pig Sandwich at the Hard Rock Cafe in Lake Tahoe. I gagged just asking for it, but as they say, if you haven’t had a pig sandwich you haven’t been to the Hard Rock. It wasn’t as bad as you might think but we could only manage a half pig each. They played Rod Stewart’s Hot Pants and some Talking Heads while we ate, so it was an all-round cool experience for us wrinklies.
We had Japanese in a casino at Tahoe too. An island of taste and sanity in the middle of hell. But why do I say that — we enjoyed the inevitable drag act and actually recouped dinner on the slots.